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hiphop-elements.com • View topic - My 1st Freestyle on a website tell me what ya think?

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 Post subject: My 1st Freestyle on a website tell me what ya think?
PostPosted: 11/16/09 02:27:37 PM 
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Joined: 11/16/09 01:59:27 PM
Posts: 17
Listen/ i wrote my emotions anywhere they can be written-i hate how u cud tell my mood from my facial expressions- send all my good thoughts to evil dimensions- and keep all my evil ones right here wit meh-the weed for me its a must, its a need- when i dunt have a g -its annoying, like white boys on the bus slidig in they seats-so then my druh dealer then i meet, o wait thats me, i suppply myself with enormous quantities-Orange seeds for the orange kush, when i be rocking jeans- that means, that i have a distinct steel-oh- i air compress my bags so they wont come out wieghing a kilo-Disrespectful like performing repos- And this girls cmile is cheasier than a bag of cheetos-if you jumo me, i eat thos- poke me, ill bleed slow- if you shoot me,ill be good in about a week you- i deserve a freethrow ive been giving ya breaks-and the type that ive been landing on each one of ya faces-still dun understand why little kids be smoking cigerettes man-Im from New York and neva been a knicks or a mets fan-I did have role models, it was my primos in washington hieghts- Carrying ice around they neck, everyday living life nice- smoking blunts, toking guns and carrying knifes-and they was latin kings throwing up the krown wit dey rights-it was fucked up but it was what i looked up to-My mentalitys been corrupted since the tender age of two-suffocating my brother- stealing from my mother- telling her lies that made her cry and made my ass studda- im fuccing sorry, my pops shudda wore a damn rubba-why did i come out like this was it my thesis?- i wanna make myself believe that there really is a jesus-but im so satanic i dun plan i just do it-acting before thinking, i guess ude just kall me stupid- but the truth is, my mindd is wise- i kudd see right through you,by looking at your eyes- u keep asking about the who's amd the why's- until you realize, that youve spent most of your life getting high- and i will meet famous people sometime when i die- Myself,Big L and Bug Pun getting blazed in the sky- neva lie, study your history, knowledge will last you for days- Become gods servant and not one of the governments slaves...

Cielo-


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 Post subject: Re: My 1st Freestyle on a website tell me what ya think?
PostPosted: 11/16/09 02:31:09 PM 
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Joined: 11/16/09 01:59:27 PM
Posts: 17
cielo360 wrote:
Listen/ i wrote my emotions anywhere they can be written-i hate how u cud tell my mood from my facial expressions- send all my good thoughts to evil dimensions- and keep all my evil ones right here wit meh-the weed for me its a must, its a need- when i dunt have a g -its annoying, like white boys on the bus slidig in they seats-so then my druh dealer then i meet, o wait thats me, i suppply myself with enormous quantities-Orange seeds for the orange kush, when i be rocking jeans- that means, that i have a distinct steel-oh- i air compress my bags so they wont come out wieghing a kilo-Disrespectful like performing repos- And this girls cmile is cheasier than a bag of cheetos-if you jumo me, i eat thos- poke me, ill bleed slow- if you shoot me,ill be good in about a week you- i deserve a freethrow ive been giving ya breaks-and the type that ive been landing on each one of ya faces-still dun understand why little kids be smoking cigerettes man-Im from New York and neva been a knicks or a mets fan-I did have role models, it was my primos in washington hieghts- Carrying ice around they neck, everyday living life nice- smoking blunts, toking guns and carrying knifes-and they was latin kings throwing up the krown wit dey rights-it was fucked up but it was what i looked up to-My mentalitys been corrupted since the tender age of two-suffocating my brother- stealing from my mother- telling her lies that made her cry and made my ass studda- im fuccing sorry, my pops shudda wore a damn rubba-why did i come out like this was it my thesis?- i wanna make myself believe that there really is a jesus-but im so satanic i dun plan i just do it-acting before thinking, i guess ude just kall me stupid- but the truth is, my mindd is wise- i kudd see right through you,by looking at your eyes- u keep asking about the who's amd the why's- until you realize, that youve spent most of your life getting high- and i will meet famous people sometime when i die- Myself,Big L and Bug Pun getting blazed in the sky- neva lie, study your history, knowledge will last you for days- Become gods servant and not one of the governments slaves...

Cielo-


fucc i was high when i wrote this,, i made a few grammar mistakes but hopefully yall lok over them fuccch


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 Post subject: Re: My 1st Freestyle on a website tell me what ya think?
PostPosted: 11/16/09 10:21:00 PM 
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Joined: 03/20/03 11:21:31 PM
Posts: 704
Location: LA
I see some talent in there, you have some topics but they are a bit played out(you know drugs, money, "ice",)

u posted it in the wrong place! I used to do the same shit
look at some other peoples posts and structure them so they read better, for us to be able to understand

good to see some new blood in here, keep writin man

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 Post subject: Re: My 1st Freestyle on a website tell me what ya think?
PostPosted: 11/17/09 01:53:44 PM 
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Joined: 11/16/09 01:59:27 PM
Posts: 17
ohh shit thanks ma dude i really apreciate the comment...thank you.... okay..now its time to look for it..lol..


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 Post subject: Re: My 1st Freestyle on a website tell me what ya think?
PostPosted: 11/17/09 08:29:39 PM 
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Joined: 03/28/04 09:00:05 PM
Posts: 7722
Location: Canada
post in the right forum dude, this is the battle forum

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 Post subject: Re: My 1st Freestyle on a website tell me what ya think?
PostPosted: 11/18/09 02:50:10 PM 
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Joined: 11/16/09 01:59:27 PM
Posts: 17
umm wheres the right forummm....? -________- my faultt


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 Post subject: Luke 11:1-4
PostPosted: 06/23/10 12:18:20 AM 
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Joined: 04/16/03 10:51:57 PM
Posts: 158
Location: World Wide
Luke 11:1-4
New King James Version (NKJV)

The Model Prayer

11 Now it came to pass, as He was praying in a certain place, when He ceased, that one of His disciples said to Him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples.”

2 So He said to them, “When you pray, say:

Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
3 Give us day by day our daily bread.
4 And forgive us our sins,
For we also forgive everyone who is indebted to us.
And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.”

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Hebrews 11:1
New King James Version (NKJV)


11 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.


John 14:6
New King James Version (NKJV)


6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.


Last edited by Web Slinga on 02/24/12 10:27:48 AM, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: My 1st Freestyle on a website tell me what ya think?
PostPosted: 06/25/10 08:51:25 AM 
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Joined: 06/02/10 07:58:36 AM
Posts: 184
Not bad it was good flow in some spots i lost track in a couple places tho.. It is a decent read not the greastest but keep doin youre thing man.. How long you been writting/ rappin?

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http://www.zshare.net/audio/81221692baf6428e/


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 Post subject: Re: My 1st Freestyle on a website tell me what ya think?
PostPosted: 06/25/10 08:57:20 AM 
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Posts: 2973
Location: Maryland
This was a decent, it could still use some work and some structure changes. But I think you pretty much have the general idea of this down. Now, as for some of the topics. Im not saying they are horrible topics, but like west said. Those topics are played out, you hear about that shit in just about ANY track now-a-days. and they keep doing it, try to come with something people haven't done/seen before. Make a hidden message in a song, ideas like that is what divides the dope MC's from the Decent ones.

~DT~

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You will never accomplish anything crying, no matter who's wrong - Drastic


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 Post subject: Re: My 1st Freestyle on a website tell me what ya think?
PostPosted: 12/21/10 08:00:25 PM 
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Joined: 11/20/01 05:00:00 PM
Posts: 560
Location: Rockford, IL
First brother, I would break the rhyme down into a more poetic format. You've written
yours in paragraphs which makes it seem long and hard to read. Break the flow down like
this:

lyrical rap miracle I am one intelligent individual/
poetry is potent, the dopest 'cause I gets physical/

This makes rhymes easier to read and helps others follow along. Define more about what
you're saying too. Add more substance and images. Much like Nas and Ghost Face. From
this point on you ended your rhyme strong...

"Carrying ice around they neck, everyday living life nice- smoking blunts, toking guns and carrying knifes-and they was latin kings throwing up the krown wit dey rights-it was fucked up but it was what i looked up to-My mentalitys been corrupted since the tender age of two-suffocating my brother- stealing from my mother- telling her lies that made her cry and made my ass studda- im fuccing sorry, my pops shudda wore a damn rubba-why did i come out like this was it my thesis?- i wanna make myself believe that there really is a jesus-but im so satanic i dun plan i just do it-acting before thinking, i guess ude just kall me stupid- but the truth is, my mindd is wise- i kudd see right through you,by looking at your eyes- u keep asking about the who's amd the why's- until you realize, that youve spent most of your life getting high- and i will meet famous people sometime when i die- Myself,Big L and Bug Pun getting blazed in the sky- neva lie, study your history, knowledge will last you for days- Become gods servant and not one of the governments slaves..."

Stay on topic like this and you'll become better poet. Keep rhyming. ;)

UniverSouLove/UniverSouL


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